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House husband is no "Mr. Mom"
“He’s changed diapers, and defrosted
my breast milk." ~ Mom
"The kids help in the kitchen, brush
the dog’s teeth..." ~ Dad
by Elizabeth Eidlitz
August
10, 2006 — The 1983 Michael Keaton movie “Mr. Mom,” portraying Stay
-At- Home -Dad Jack Butler as a bumbling do-nothing father who
drinks beer in the morning, who can't iron or maneuver a
wobbly-wheeled shopping cart through the supermarket, is outdated.
An arrangement where the father stays home while the mother works
was unusual 25 years ago; in recent years, however,
Stay-at-Home-Dads are becoming more common and accepted. Based on
U.S. Census Bureau 2005 data
www.rebeldad.com
,143,000 male parents are occupied in this untraditional role.
Unlike Jack Butler, Thomas F. Kalinowski of Uxbridge is the
voluntary, competent primary caregiver of his children Sarah, 12;
Julia, 10, and Jonathan, 7. Though some fathers, laid off or between
jobs, are forced to take care of kids, Kalinowski chooses to be home
and considers it his profession, though it’s demanding work with
many unknowns.
In 1991, Kalinowski was marketing for Conrail in Philadelphia when
his wife , Susan, a medical student at Hahnemann School of Medicine,
was accepted for a residency at U. Mass Medical. The couple moved to
Uxbridge and Kalinowski accepted an offer of three years of home
office work.
But in 1994, when his wife began to practice, and the couple had
started a family, he left his job. “Watching other people, I’d seen
what it took to cope in the professional world --getting up at 5 am
, dealing with kids and commuting in the dark.
"Rather than putting children in Day Care, I decided that one of us
would stay home. I was the youngest of four children raised by
loving parents. My mother stayed at home, and I learned the value of
that nurturing. I wanted to do the same for my children. Susan may
be the income provider, but in our flexible partnership she
participates fully in the house and in the lives of the kids.”
Today, Kalinowski looks at “simple pleasures of the world” from his
wooded double A frame house. In addition to household chores, like
the laundry, he drives his kids to Touchstone Community School in
Grafton where he’s spoken to classes, participated in field days,
and served on boards as a trustee and as chair of student
recruitment.
“A cleaning woman once refused to work for us after discovering that
the adult at home was a male, and there may be resistance from some
mothers as you connect your kids socially on play dates,” he
explains. “But that depends totally on the individual.
“As a family we’re a group, working together for better or worse.
The kids help in the kitchen, brush the dog’s teeth, feed the cat
and fishes, take care of their own rooms. My son who sleeps with 'stuffies,’
knows its okay to be a nurturing male. And none of the kids has to
go to school with a fever.
“Susan sometimes gets home at 9 or 10 pm, but she’ll make meals in
advance.” His wife notes that Tom is organized and good with
details: “He’s changed diapers, and defrosted my breast milk. The
kids have never had formula.”
The girls envision becoming an obstetrician and veterinarian with
husbands who stay home. “It's hard but fun to have an at-home
father,” the elder daughter says, “because we have to fight
stereotypes, like ‘Oh I thought your father was unemployed.' On the
other hand, we can make fun of commercials and magazines geared
toward motherly audiences. Sometimes, we have to act like mirrors
and let comments bounce off of us.”
Mothers and fathers offer different skills, according to Dr. Kyle D.
Pruett, Clinical Professor of Child Psychiatry at Yale. Kids are
best served by both styles of play. Suggesting that a dad is
"mothering" shortchanges dads by ignoring the unique advantages of
what Pruett calls "Fatherneed." And it shortchanges moms by
suggesting that dads can provide traits generally unique to moms.
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